Author: Stagger Lee

That Usain Bolt is faster ‘n Walt Flanagan’s DOG!!

Maybe I’m late to the game here, but seriously, I saw purple spots in front of my eyes when I saw this line attributed to John McCain:

“My friends, we have reached a crisis, the first probably serious crisis internationally since the end of the Cold War. This is an act of aggression.”

Now, this could be a misquote. This could be something invented out of whole cloth by some Mumia-worshipper from International ANSWER, or maybe one of those sad-sack Nader 2008 hipsters. It’s possible he never said anything like this.

But.

If John McCain actually said this – actually said that this ridiculous brushfire dustup is the first serious crisis internationally since the end of the Cold War – then he shouldn’t be running for President, he should be in a fucking home. As memory serves me right, we have had Iraq invading Kuwait and threatening Saudi Arabia, we’ve had the collapse of the Balkans and an attempt at genocide, and let’s see, what else? Oh yeah, THREE THOUSAND DEAD ON AMERICAN SOIL.

Either he’s gone utterly galactically stupid, or just doesn’t give a shit. Either should be instantly disqualifying, but let’s not forget, the most important thing in choosing a President is who you’d rather have a beer with.

Michael Phelps is what happens when a fish makes love to a jet engine.

Seriously, this is the most utter and complete ass-whipping since Hannibal rolled into Cannae. Well done young man.

It was, in fact, 30 years ago today that the letter was sent to the house informing my parents that I was eligible for “special educational services.” Ultimately it was the first step down the long and winding road that ends up with me here tapping away on this laptop in this house in this state.

In years past, I might have been prouder of this. Or angrier about it. As it stands now, I think James said it best: “If I hadn’t seen such riches, I could live with being poor.” The ride may not always be smooth, but the view is spectacular.

A slightly bigger deal is that this is very nearly the first thing I can think of where I can say something happened 30 years ago. This is me, circling the drain…

I know I’ve written before about that first autumn at Vanderbilt, but I stumbled across my entire “Old Vanderbilt” playlist a couple of days ago and was swept right back in again. One memory clearer than any others: on the morning we left to drive up, I walked out into the back yard with a Mason jar, out to the patch of yard where once lay the sandpile I played in as a preschooler, and scooped a jarful of earth to seal up and take with me. It would be over a decade before I could open it again…

Continue reading “Flashback, part 3 of n”

Read this and then contemplate the meaning of the phrase “Frathouse America.”

I half expect the Attorney General to go up there and say “Ladies and gentlemen, I’ll be brief. The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with our female party guests – we did. But you can’t hold a whole fraternity responsible for the behavior of a few, sick twisted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn’t we blame the whole fraternity system? And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn’t this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you, Greg – isn’t this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but we’re not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America!”

1) It has to be sufficiently extreme to mock the views it spoofs.

2) It has to be funny.

I think this is over the top enough, and it’s butt funny, so enjoy:

Come on, with a subject line like that, how can you not click through?

Continue reading “Why Cokie Roberts Can Kiss My Taint”