\n“Welcome back to the FU Center in Philadelphia! I’m your host Jim Ross here with Morty the Weasel! We have a real slobber-knocker of a main event for you tonight!”\n<\/p>\n
\n“That’s right, JR – we have Stan Lee and Alan Greenspan, one fall to a finish, no disqualifications, no countouts, locked inside a steel cage. This might just be the biggest night in the history of our sport.”\n<\/p>\n
\n“And yet, this was not our original main event.”\n<\/p>\n
\n“That’s right, JR – we were first slated to match Cesar Milan and Tom Colicchio, but that was called off when there was a misunderstanding about Korean cuisine night on Top Chef. Then we scheduled Derek Jeter against Ted Allen.”\n<\/p>\n
\n“Jeter went right up against Allen, all right, but not in a way we can show you even here on pay-per-view. So now we bring you our main event – And here come the competitors! First, the challenger, Stan Lee, being borne out on a litter carried by six pasty comic-store owners. Lee fighting in the ritual costume of his people, with the black jean shorts and the army surplus trenchcoat.”\n<\/p>\n
\n“Don’t like seeing the knobby knees on our challenger, JR.”\n<\/p>\n
\n“No indeed. And now the champion, Alan Greenspan, his golden throne being rolled into the arena while his attendants throw handfuls of cash into the crowd.”\n<\/p>\n
\n“Hard to believe you could find that many topless virgins here in Philly, JR.”\n<\/p>\n
\n“For a man with that kind of power and wealth, all things are possible. And now the locking of the cage, and our match is underway! Stan Lee circling warily from a distance, doesn’t want to show his hand too soon…Alan Greenspan with that sockful of quarters, a devastating weapon, and he lashes out but Lee dodges…well, the man who created Mr. Fantastic should know a thing or two about slippery dodges – and here he comes back with a burst of web fluid to the eyes of Greenspan!”\n<\/p>\n
\n“Don’t know if that’s web fluid, JR.”\n<\/p>\n
\n“Greenspan disoriented, unsure of where he is. He’s as crazy as a pet raccoon out there.”\n<\/p>\n
\n“Being married to somebody from NBC News, some of the stupid was bound to rub off eventually, JR.”\n<\/p>\n
\n“Greenspan is up now, making a move – and he increases the prime interest rate by a quarter percent! Stan Lee is trapped, unable to move, the inflationary pressure has him pinned in place…and Greenspan drops the rate by a half percent and the flood of easy money buries Lee under a pile of cheap commercial paper!”\n<\/p>\n
\n“Don’t see how he’s going to dig out of that, JR. Looks like Greenspan will keep the belt for anoth–”\n<\/p>\n
\n“My God! Stan Lee is hulking up! He is actually turning green! His jean shorts are ripping! My God! This is unbelievable!”\n<\/p>\n
\n“He’s finding the range now, he’s out of the pile of bonds and stalking Greenspan…Greenspan going for a sack of money, but it’s all dollars! The depreciation has rendered it weightless!”\n<\/p>\n
\n“And business is about to pick up! Greenspan running like a scalded dog, but Stan Lee unleashes those mighty green fists and beats the former Fed chairman like a government mule!”\n<\/p>\n
\nAnd now Stan Lee is climbing the cage! He’s setting up his move, JR!”\n<\/p>\n
\n“And Greenspan looking up – and it’s the Excelsior! Stan Lee has hit the Excelsior on Alan Greenspan and he is down! The ref runs in to count it…one, two, two and a half, two and three quarters, there’s a correction, two and one eighth, one and a half–”\n<\/p>\n
\n“Greenspan’s bought the ref, JR!”\n<\/p>\n
\n“And Stan Lee holds up one fist–”\n<\/p>\n
\nSNIKT!\n<\/p>\n
\n“THE CLAWS! MY GOD, HE’S POPPED THE CLAWS! AND GREENSPAN IS DEAD! STAN LEE HAS DECAPITATED ALAN GREENSPAN! MY GOD! WHAT A FINISH! WE HAVE A NEW CHAMPION!”\n<\/p>\n
\n“Punctured my eardrum there, JR.”<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
“Welcome back to the FU Center in Philadelphia! I’m your host Jim Ross here with Morty the Weasel! We have a real slobber-knocker of a main event for you tonight!” “That’s right, JR – we have Stan Lee and Alan Greenspan, one fall to a finish, no disqualifications, no countouts, locked inside a steel cage. … <\/p>\n