When we box up all the S we didn’t want and try to get money for it. OK, I know that’s not what Boxing Day technically is, but bear with me, because I’m boxing up some Christmas songs to send back for good, hopefully.
I have no idea why, but I’m really tired of “Everybody’s Waiting For The Man With The Bag.” Cheesy, hokey, and reminds me too much of those mother-!-ing Lexus “December To Remember” ads. If anybody gets me a Lexus for Christmas, I’m returning that shit on the 26th. You better be paying straight cash for that Lexus. I don’t need a gift that comes with a monthly note.
I’m also done with “This Christmas,” which has that soulful 70s feel to it and seems specifically engineered to induce either proposal or raging guilt in all those guys who haven’t popped the question yet. It also gets stuck on the trailer of every holiday rom-com on Earth (thanks for nothing Richard Curtis, now everybody who can get twenty actors in a room thinks they can remake Love Actually every year).
And then there’s “Here Comes Santa Claus,” a song which undertakes the uncomfortable task of trying to mash up the Santa Claus story with the actual Jesus bit of Christmas. Awk-ward.
Actually, let me here drop my Top Five Christmas Songs That Never Mention Christmas, Jesus, Santa Claus Or Even Bloody DECEMBER In The Course Of The Song:
5) “Winter Wonderland.” Seriously, if they can pop the song out just fine when it snows in February, it’s not much of a Christmas song, is it? And that was before all the Ricky Hatton fans started walking around the MGM Grand singing “There’s only one Ricky Hatton, there’s only one Ricky Hatton, a beautiful sight we’re happy tonight walking in a Hatton wonderland” right before he got his ass knocked out by Mayweather or whoever it was.
4) “Let It Snow.” Similar. Hell, it was written on a scorching August day in 1945 and released as a plea for colder weather, not anything Christmassy. Nice tune but nothing ties it to the holiday except for the generic theme of “Ooh Winter Look.”
3) “Sleigh Ride.” I could go the rest of my life without hearing the Boston Pops version – IT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE LYRICS. And the versions that do have lyrics reference that there’ll be a BIRTHDAY party, not even a Christmas party. OK, the Debbie Gibson version gets a pass because of happy memories of Christmas at Vanderbilt and yelling “pass around the coffee and the SWEET POTATO PIE” but in all other respects, again, NOT a Christmas song.
2) “Baby It’s Cold Outside.” Hoo boy. This one has come in for quite a beating the last couple of years, and no wonder – on the face of it, the best you can say for it is that it’s kind of creepy, and at worst, the only way not to make it sound like something out of a terrible Lifetime movie is to gender-swap it (a la the She & Him version or last year’s Gap ad with Selma Blair and Rainn Wilson) or do some other twist (like the Glee version). In any event, again – all it’s got going for it is snow and cold. Yet it gets hammered to death this time of year. But nothing more than…
1) “Jingle Bells.” Yes, go through it, there is NOTHING IN JINGLE BELLS THAT REFERENCES CHRISTMAS. It’s a song about having a fast horse and a fast sleigh and picking up girls. And the author intended it to be a THANKSGIVING song. The most Christmassy of Christmas songs growing up, and there’s not a lick of Christmas to it.
There. Done. Now that we’ve punted eight songs from the canon, let’s see if we can find five good ones next year that don’t get nearly enough run…