I Am A Bad Ass

If Karl Rove is a poor man’s Lee Atwater – and make no mistake, he is – then Steve Schmidt is a homeless man’s Karl Rove. Seriously. At this point, down double digits with less than a month to go and all the internals tracking against him, John McCain should be suing Schmidt for malpractice at the very least. Personally, I would be lining up some pipe-hittin’ micks from South Bend IN for an Irish blanket party.

It didn’t have to be like this. In fact, if I were running things, I could probably have McCain up by six or eight points, without ever using the words “Ayers,” “Wright,” or “my friends.” Follow the bouncing ball, kids…

First: McCain does not go into hibernation after clinching the nomination. Quite the opposite. He’s around basically all the time, taking potshots at the two candidates who are trying to blow each other up. Relaxed, sitting back on Jon Stewart or Jay Leno, basically firing off zingers and making himself look like an affable alternative to the two-ring circus of the Dems. Those buffoons are arguing about health care again? Here’s the real problem with their plans. You don’t need my plan yet, I’ll have it for the general, but in the meantime would you look at that shit? Senator John McCain, everybody, we’ll be right back.

Second: Get some freakin’ separation. If Bush is polling anything under 30%, then to hell with him. He’s not running again, everybody says – fine, so what the hell are you worried about? He can’t help you, two-thirds of the country thinks he sucks, he utterly dicked you over in South Carolina in 2000 anyway – screw him. Chart your own course, make it clear that you are reclaiming the mantle of true conservative values from these big-spending think-tank layabouts who never spent a day in uniform and never heard of a spending cut. There is nothing in the world that the Washington press corps loves more than somebody whose principal business is taking an enormous deuce on their own party. David Broder will write mash notes in the Post every Sunday, the assorted Sabbath Gasbags will blather on and on about your statemanship, and as for the base…do you really think the base is going to cave? Do you REALLY think the hardcore conservatives will just phone it in? Do you honestly believe for one second that a certain tit-stick coke-whore is going to pull the lever for Hillary? Democrats fall in love, Republicans fall in line. They’ll be there in November, so stop worrying about making nice. Leave that to your vice-presidential selection…

…drumroll…MIKE HUCKABEE. Cracka, I done told you. Huckabee is all you could ever ask for in a running mate. He brings the holy rollers back on the dead run, because he is a preacher. He has an interesting personal story and a bunch of choice zingers, which will make for a great re-introduction to the rest of the country that didn’t pay attention to the endless primary. He plays GREAT on TV – comes across as funny, personable, and not at all asshole-ish (you do not want to know how many hardcore liberals confessed to me how likeable Huckabee was). And his non-orthodox positions on issues of public health and immigration and the like play nicely to the evolving younger evangelical base while providing another point at which you can say “these are not your old-school Repubs.” (And don’t waste my time talking about Tom Tancredo on immigration. How many delegates does his ass have? Oh is that so? TFSU.*)

Plus, Huckabee’s run for the top spot means that he has infrastructure already in place. Iowa. New Hampshire. Places where an extra presence and pre-motivated supporters might make a difference down the line. Name him before the primary season officially ends, and you might even get to have people contribute to *his* primary campaign and make a bigger impact before the conventions. And most of all – he’s rolled the dice in the big leagues. It’s a much better call than picking somebody from a safe state who’s going to be in way, way, WAY over her head. (Let’s face it – Alaska isn’t even double-A ball when it comes to politics.**)

And above all, don’t piss on the media. Everyone is conditioned to think “liberal media” already – Fox News, Rush Limbaugh, the Wall Street Journal and a dozen talking head cable hacks to the contrary, and that’s before you even get to local media – so don’t waste time trying to reinforce the meme. Besides, the press LOVES McCain. You don’t hold the record for Daily Show appearances or get to host Saturday Night Live*** if you’re not a popular guy with the TV folks. How much of an edge is the free media when you’re going in strapped for cash before the opening bell? And how bad would it be if, oh I don’t know, you pissed off David Letterman so much that not only does he rail about it for days, but everybody talks about him railing about it? They all love you, and they already feel like they have to prove they’re not left-wingers, so try not to kick off the general election campaign by crapping all over them on day one.

There you have it. You have (relative) youth, you have outsider-dom, you have prolonged executive experience (in Huck), you have guys not afraid to deviate from the party line, and by making the choice early, banking the cash, and taking plenty of time to get burned in while using all the free TV time and casually needling the other guys just enough to stay on the radar…well, by the time the Dems have a nominee, McCain-Huckabee’s been around for eight or ten weeks. Solid. Reliable. Already talking about the future and not waiting for Team Chaos Blue to pick between the Callow Youth and the Dragon Lady. In fact, if you start playing up your experience in April, maybe you can nudge the needle enough to put Hillary over the top. No Republican on Earth will ever stray from the party if you can invoke the specter of Clinton.

And in the end, there you have it. John McCain, war hero, proven legislator, proud American, written off for dead and given up on in 2007 – endures, wins through and finally reaches the mountaintop, defiantly breaking with the man and the team that did him dirty in 2000. Wins more votes and a bigger margin of victory than Bush ever did, a solid 53.5% and 350 electoral votes. Unbeholden to the old regime, unshackled from the last eight years, finally at the helm to lead America through the darkness to victory and a brighter future.

**

The older I get, the better I was. And even back then, I was pretty damn good…

* Gizmodo gets a nickel.

** Seriously. No minorities, no major urban center worthy of the name, fucked-up weather, no income tax, and everybody gets a check from the government for free money every year that was screwed out of an oil company? Does that sound remotely like a place that would prepare you for serious politics anywhere else, let alone on the biggest stage? And if you must pick a rookie from someplace like that, do some prep work for Godsakes. It’s not that you don’t want her to look a fool, you don’t want to look a fool for the pick.

*** Seriously, I almost pissed myself at “McCain Sings Streisand.”

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