I can’t ever be President.

The problem is, I am unfortunately gripped by the conviction that if you are the good guys, you have to be the good guys. Which means you don’t torture, you don’t carry out reprisals against civilians, you don’t engage in wildly disproportionate attacks – you wear the white hat and you play the thing fair and square, and your Texas-moron Stone Cold Steve Austin types be damned.

But the problem is, you can’t always live up to being the good guys. And when you can’t live up to it as an irate blogger, that’s one thing, but if one were President of the United States, one could get in a good deal of trouble saying things like “Tonight we’re going to turn the DMZ into a river of radioactive glass. And tomorrow after breakfast, we’re going to pick names of North Korean cities out of a hat and take turns dropping a hydrogen bomb on a random city, one every twelve hours, until you give us our two Americans back alive and unharmed. And if we never get them back, if we have to bomb and burn the entire Democratic People’s Republic of Korea until no stone sits atop another, if we have to snuff out twenty-four million lives because of somebody’s foolishness in kidnapping two American citizens – then fuck ’em. Sucks to be North Korea.”

The challenge in being the good guys is being the good guys, even when you’d so, so, so rather not.

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