so tired

One thing I have learned in the last few years is that whenever I blurt out “so tired” to myself, it is actually my way of saying “I am unhappy with the state of my existence in this world as currently constituted.” Could be depression, could be anxiety – although I think we have established that my problem is more anxiety than anything else.Specifically, the reaction to a nebulous threat that I cannot see or effectively game against.

To wit: I expect that the Democrats will lose formal control of at least one house of Congress this coming week. To lose control of the House is more likely and probably to be expected, and while losing formal control of the Senate is bad, the combination of the filibuster and the intransigence of two specific “Democrats” makes as little difference as can be imagined. The bigger issue, honestly, is that loss of either house increases the odds of a default on the national debt, thanks to the Republican willingness to hold the debt ceiling hostage (as exemplified in the near miss of 2011, which cost the country its AAA rating).

The problem is, the Republicans are fundamentally a stupid party. Theirs is a cult that worships stupidity. Hooked up to a lie detector and shot full of sodium pentathol, Mitch McConnell would probably freely admit that a default from debt ceiling failure would be a disaster for the American economy, but the majority of his party does not understand and does not care, and if they did, would probably be confident that it could be pinned on Biden. And the sad thing is, with the incompetent catamites of the press, they are probably correct.

We are at war. We have been at war for eight years now, ever since GamerGate. We are at war with the kleptocracy, we are at war with the Jackpot, we are at war with the manifold arms of international Neo-fascism whether in Brazil, Russia, Israel, the UK or the Deep South and Middle West. We need to be on a wartime footing, economically as well as morally and ethically. We have one party in this country that is an avowed foe of democracy as a concept, and the only moral position is to oppose them at all costs. Maybe it means you have to accept higher taxes. Maybe it means you don’t get a public option for national health insurance. The only thing that matters at this point is that we not lose our democracy to a minoritarian force of bigots defending unbridled wealth.

Losing Twitter is a bit on the nose. A system in which an apartheid trustafarian can simply buy out a major social network is not a healthy system – although it looks like he’s already sinking under the weight of his own incompetence and indifference to law. Would that others of his ilk could be similarly encumbered- the big question of the next two years will be “are we willing to let criminals slide because it would look political to prosecute them.”

It’s a lot to deal with, even in a world where unexpected threats and troubles aren’t waiting to step backward out of the fourth dimension without notice to try to slit your throat. I can hardly be forgiven for experimenting with CBD (which as it turns out is no help whatsoever) and meditative deep breathing (which only works for as long as you keep doing it). Better to try to focus into escape – into Lego Star Wars Castaways, into Watched Walker, into anyplace where reality can be shut out for an hour or four and you can imagine yourself in a world without an unpleasant surprise around every corner.

And yet…Mastodon is taking off. Signal will release Stories publicly within a week or so. Christmas is on the way. The cool and damp and dark of winter are upon us, and for three or four months it will be possible to go into a bar and not worry about still being daylight when you come back out. If I can just hang on until I turn 51, somehow, maybe there will be some hope at the next checkpoint.

Wouldn’t that be something.

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