Are You F-ing Serious

There are people actually complaining that Obama doesn’t have any Southerners in his cabinet?

Really? After the last 8 years, we are somehow concerned that a lack of Southern influence is a BAD thing?

Well I may have had a few DRANKS, but if I’m not the best, I’m still the best yet, so listen up, you !ing necks…

I will indulge your conceit. I will put aside the millions and millions of subway-riding, import-driving, non-Baptist, NASCAR-ignoring, multi-ethnic, actually-attacked-on-September-11, hardworking taxpaying AMERICAN CITIZENS, and pretend that white Southern trailer-dwelling holy rollers are the Only Ones Who Really Matter in these United States in the year of our Lord 2008.

What I have to say is this:

You fucking blew it.

We tried it your way. We set aside things like experience and talent. We took a dump on things like factual records and empirical science. We took a flyer on the notion that what it really takes to achieve greatness in the White House is a mushmouthed dry-drunk good-ol-boy from Texas who brought nothing to the table but a truckload of Daddy’s money and a reputation as the fun-lovingest guy at the frathouse. And we even let him win out over a guy who got more votes. We kept your boy around in preference to a guy who had actually served in the military, actually done some time working in federal government, somebody who could complete a full sentence without sounding like he was trying to explain to his wife why the car was upside down on fire in front of a strip club. We lowered political discourse to the level of sports talk radio, with the intellectual content of a professional wrestler cutting a promo. We decided that who looked French, who looked funny on a surfboard, and who you’d rather have a beer with were all better signifiers of who should be THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD.

You got your man. You got him for eight years, all of them with a firm grip on the Supreme Court and most of them with a fully compliant Congress – and when it wasn’t, it was tied in knots by Senate loyalists who shattered the record for filibusters in a single Congress. He got a free shot, a free hand, and when the United States got attacked, he got an 89% approval rating to go with it.

Well, guess what. We never caught the guy behind the attack. Gas wound up hitting over four bucks a gallon. The price of oil hit a record high, the housing market collapsed, the banking industry went over a cliff and now the economy is melting like an ice cube on a summertime sidewalk. Your salt-of-the-Earth God-fearing Lone Ranger has an approval rating under 25%, and a disapproval rating of over 70% – the highest on record. Three out of four Americans think your boy did a shitty, shitty job, and they can’t all be bong-watered filthy-granola unshaven Womyn’s Studies Marxists from Hippie State University.

You got your chosen guy, and now that his days are done, most of this country thinks he sucks.

So guess what? We’re going another direction.

We’re going to go with somebody who actually respects reason, and logic, and empirical reality. We’re going with somebody who doesn’t think brains or the ability to complete a sentence without drooling are anything to be ashamed of. We’re going with somebody who respects a flag with all fifty stars on it. We’re going with somebody who’s not pissing his pants with fear every single day. We’re going with somebody whose plans don’t rely on scaring half the country into submission. No more fear. No more ignorance. No more bragging about being average, or mediocre, or throwing shit at people who can handle something more intellectually sophisticated than Toby Keith and Stone Cold Steve Austin.

This country put a man on the moon. This country won World War II. This country created the airplane, the integrated circuit, the electric guitar and the Internet. This country is not about mediocrity, about barely sliding by, about wallowing in ignorance and taking pride in stupidity. This is the United States of America. America is about greatness. America is about striving to be the best. And you know what it says in the dictionary if you look up the word “elite”? It says “The best.”

Give it up. Just give it up. You don’t have any inherent claim on moral superiority. You don’t have a monopoly on what it is to be American. And after what you accomplished when you were given the controls, you’re just lucky you’re still allowed to vote. You got your chance. Now it’s time to go home, clean the shit off your cowboy boots, and sit quietly in the corner with your hands folded and your fucking mouths shut while we see what we can do to save this country with intelligence, vision and hope instead of cowardice, bluster, and stupidity. This is the real world, and in the real world, when you fuck up, you ride the fucking bench.

You are now leaving the Confederate States of America. If you don’t like it, fine, but remember – you’re already 0 for 1 and Uncle Sam has since got the hydrogen bomb.

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