The Penguin Menace

I don’t think people really grasp the extent to which penguins have been working to infiltrate our society. It’s been going on for years now, and nobody seems to have noticed. To understand the threat, we have to go back and see where it began.

The earliest days of the penguin plot against America can be traced to the 1980s. It was not an obvious conspiracy. Pengo looked for all the world like a bad Dig-Dug clone, not the penguin foray into computing. Opus seemed like an amusing cartoon character, not an attempt to insinuate the penguin into the consciousness of newspaper readers as an amusing and harmless creature. And Mario Lemieux seemed like a swift-skating sniper, not the human face of the flightless waterfowl empire slowly biding its time for takeover. Coincidences? How can anyone possibly think so?

But the penguins’ long game would not come to fruition for decades. Having softened up a generation and made them receptive to the notion of the penguin, they were content to lie in wait…for the children.

Don’t believe me? Look back on the last three years and watch the dominoes fall like hammer blows against the foundation of human society:

2005: The penguins, in cooperation with the French, launch the cinematic assault known as March of the Penguins. Produced in cooperation with the nest of treasonous vipers known as the National Geographic Society, this stunning piece of propaganda was a lightning strike into the heart of American political culture, seducing the right with its depiction of monogamous mating in even the most trying and tempting condition while luring in the left with…okay, I have no clue, but it won an Oscar so clearly Hollywood took the bait hook, line and sinker. Morgan Freeman narrated this picture and if you have the voice of God, you have won a smashing coup on the “hearts and minds” front.

2006: Happy Feet. With the willing collaboration of the Hollywood fifth column (see above), the penguins produced a staggering work of self-engrandizement that would have put Leni Riefenstahl to shame. This all-singing, all-dancing festival of manipulation was every bit as potent as its predecessor – conservatives were so distracted by the message of environmentalism that they failed to grasp how the film is objectively pro-penguinist. And Hollywood – well, they gave this film an Oscar, snubbing a Pixar feature for the first time ever. Think of that – in only two films, the penguins managed to triumph over the forces of Steve Jobs. At this point, any thinking person should have been terrified – but worse was yet to come:

2007: Surf’s Up. it’s a penguin movie – about surfing! Penguins don’t surf! From the days of Pablo and Chilly Willy, we have known that penguins are cold-weather creatures, yet here they are depicted in warm climates – and we accept this depiction. When the penguins reach our shores, we will not be alert, we will not be aware – for we will have come to assume that it is perfectly normal for penguins to inhabit temperate or even tropical climates!

At this point, it hardly seems worth it to mention the Discovery Channel’s insidious Planet Earth – a slow, steady drip drip drip of penguinism to keep us lolled into complacency. But that’s not the worst of it by far. No, indeed – the penguin menace extends into cyberspace. Club Penguin – a massively multiplayer online game that targets kids! It teaches them to build igloos! It teaches them to waddle around in the show! IT FEATURES A SECRET AGENT PROGRAM! Right under our noses, our children are being turned into the fifth column for the forthcoming penguin onslaught – and we are paying them to do it! The Disney corporation gave Club Penguin $350 million – with the promise of another $350 million if profit targets are reached – to place this program under the Disney banner! Right now, the ice that freezes Walt’s head is the training ground for the enemy within!

The penguin menace is real, my friends. We know they exist. We know they are plotting. The evidence is incontrovertible and plain as the beaks on their tiny speckled faces. The only question – the unanswerable question, the horrifying unknown –

WHAT DO THEY WANT??